As the holiday season is fast approaching anyone who experiencing a breakup, separation or a divorce are possibly dreading this time of the year. Martha offers some practical tips and ideas to get you through not only the holiday season but also any other time of the year that can bring an uprising of emotions. This advice will help you to not only handle your reactions but help in your recovery.
Martha’s own marriage ended at the beginning of the holiday season. The hardest part of the breakup was that her ex-husband was not moving out of their apartment for some time. They had decided they would be civil and kind to each other and try and do Christmas as a coupe. This was the worst Christmas, as they were trying to work through the sadness and heartbreak, when this time of the year was supposed to be full of happiness, family and joy.
For a couple of Christmas after that Martha stayed in her apartment, as this time bought back all the feelings of pain of the ending of the marriage. Finding a good support system in the form of a therapist helped Martha. It was draining trying to project this image of the perfect wife, the perfect marriage. When she finally was honest with her self and became vulnerable and started telling friends, co-workers and family and not bottling all her emotions up inside of her she began the healing process.
Martha started to do things that she felt she couldn’t do when she was in the marriage, She travel to the places she wanted go to and started some of her own traditions. It took a few Christmas to get into the swing of things and the number one thing she had to do was to learn how to manage her expectations at this time of the year.
So often when relationships end and it comes to the holidays you can be down on yourself, saying things like why can’t I be happy, why can’t I have this togetherness, why can’t I have the perfect holiday. But if you take a step back and realise that maybe things are going to be a bit more subdued for a while and that’s ok. It’s a matter of having things that are simple and things that you love, if you expect that things are going to be small and simple, then your not going to be disappointed.
Martha believes you also have to be careful of your selective memories. Often at this time of the year you can cherry pick all the good and amazing things that happened when you were with your partner during the holiday season. You forget the rest of the story, some of the things that weren’t that good. So often you like to paint the picture that when you were with your partner everything was great and it probably wasn’t, so you have to be honest with yourself and don’t compare yourself and what is happening now with past experiences.
During this holiday season put yourself first for a change, do what you want, forget the expectations and traditions that have previously been part of your life. Now is the time to create your own traditions and do what you like and take care of yourself. This is an opportunity to change your outlook into more of a positive one. Instead of seeing this holiday season as a sad and traumatic time you have now been given this gift for you find out what you want to do and how you want to celebrate it.
When you are in a relationship you tend to do things as a unit, what is good for the unit, what’s good for your partner, what’s good for the couple. But you have to be careful that you don’t loose yourself and identify when you are in a relationship. When you get out of a relationship you often don’t remember how to putt your self first and find what interests you. Self-care is so important to the recovery process and doing these things that make you happy don’t have to be expensive or elaborate.
In life we have to have a balance with everything and the holidays are no different. If you find that the holidays are triggering things for you and the holidays are making it difficult for you to function and you feel that you are getting stuck. Martha encourages you to work with a therapist or join a divorce support group or single support group, that you can lean on and help you through this difficult process after your breakup.
There can be many days that will trigger your memories such as your wedding day. Martha offered a way to get through this particular day by thinking of something that happened during that day that you liked a good memory and incorporate that into that day each year. For Martha the good memory of her wedding day was the Greek restaurant that they went to and each year on her anniversary Martha either cooks herself an amazing Greek meal or goes out to a Greek restaurant. So now her anniversary is no longer a day where she mourns the ending of her marriage but a day where she gets to eat amazing Greek food.
You can connect with Martha @ survivingyoursplit.com and when you sign up for her newsletter you will get the Ultimate Divorce Goddess Recovery Guide.
Michelle Chalfant believes your limiting beliefs and the false stories that your tell yourself after your breakup can hold you back from recovering and finding happiness again. When you are going through a breakup you experience a lot of emotions such as shame, anger and sadness. Most people are not good at feeling their emotions, instead they use vices that distract them like drinking, going out or finding other things to do so they don’t feel and process their feelings.
Your mind can stay stuck in these false stories that you tell yourself; often these stories are incorrect and full of assumptions and living in the land of hope or the past. Some people do not know how to feel their emotions that are deep within us. When you work through and process these emotions and feelings that you are having, it brings clarity into your life and is important if you want to move forward after your breakup.
Michelle offered a number of tips and techniques to help people feel, acknowledge and process their feelings. The first one was to become aware that you are feeling something by completing some breathing exercises, such as deep and slow breathing and siting with the body. This technique begins the process of allowing these emotions to rise through the body. Visualizations and meditations also allows you to tune into the physical body and watch the feelings and emotions start to move through the body.
Journaling is another technique that Michelle shared in order to help people processing some of their emotions. Another technique is to have a friend witnesses what is going on with you, make sure they understand that they are not there to fix you. Which well-meaning family and friends want to do when they know you are in pain. The witnessing is a process for you to get everything off your chest and can be a healing experience.
EFT or emotional freedom technique is a method that helps emotions move through your body releasing it out of the meridians. Michelle had produced a number of helpful videos on her YouTube channel; she created a basic version that works with anything physical or emotional to help move you out of that place you are stuck in.
Michelle believes that we are on a mission of experience and this experience can be done through relationships. We come together with other people in order to learn and discover things; there is a purpose to every relationship. A relationship often finishes when you are finished learning from it, the relationship is done serving you and you have finished serving them.
Michelle hosts her own podcast called The Adults Chair. This podcast teaches people how to love themselves and live the highest and healthiest version of themselves. Based on a model of the Adult Chair it’s an easy to use spiritual and physiological techniques, tools, learnings and understandings broken down so anyone can understand them.
You can find guided meditations on Michelle’s website and YouTube channel. There is a particular meditation that is helpful when you end any type of relationship and its called ‘cutting of the chords’. Look for Michelle Chalfant on YouTube. You can also connect with Michelle @ https://michellechalfant.com and Twitter @MichChalfant
In this week’s episode I talk with Jenn Burton on all things relating to dating again after a breakup. Jenn shares some important tips on dating so it can be done your way and on your terms so the experience can be fun and doesn’t have to filled with dread. We talk about how to know when you are ready to date again, how to begin this process, what preparations you need to complete before you start and amongst other things what your expectations should realistically be when dating a man.
Jenn’s own marriage broke up on her third year anniversary, after years of marriage counseling. Jenn came to the realization that her marriage had to be more than what she was experiencing. Love had to be more than all the trials and tribulations of a marriage. Her marriage had become all about making it all about her husband’s wants, needs and desires.
The day Jenn ended her marriage she was on her knees sobbing, praying and asking for a sign that would tell her there was more to love and life and three days latter a random request from a man who asked he out, opened her eyes that may be there was a lot more to love than she had thought.
Instead of doing what most people do after a breakup, spending time reflecting on life and grieving the ending of a relationship. Jenn felt she had done enough reflecting and want to go back into the dating world straight away. She didn’t want to be the one sitting there watching her ex-husband move on. Jenn listened to her heart and started dating straight away.
It’s very individual to know when you know you are ready to date again after a breakup. So some the relationship has been over for some time, and it’s a matter of making it official. And the preparation that you need to do before you go back into the dating scene depends on individual circumstances. For some when the relationship ends that you didn’t realise was coming, preparation is to take some time to reflect and take care of yourself. If you have decided to move forward taking self-care is the best preparation you can do.
Dating can be fun. You can feel like a teenage girl again, waiting for your first kiss, you can feel anticipation, butterflies, excitement and the magic feels so good.
Jenn has had some dating disasters in the beginning until she changed her thinking process. She would meet a man and line every thing up in her head, she would see him as her future husband before date three. Jenn would jump straight into the idea that this man would forever and never really let herself enjoy the dating process.
That’s why Jenn believes that self care and making sure your heart is not too fragile when you decide to date again is important because you can step into obsession or love sickness very easily if you start putting all your emotions and heart into something that you haven’t built any stamina for yet.
Jenn teaches women how to date multiple men at the same time, instead of giving your heart to one man right away until be has stepped up and asked for a commitment, because until they have asked for a exclusive relationship they will keep their options open.
Women are wired differently and are taught that once a man gives us any type of attention then he has our heart and we should focus all of our attention on him and shut down all our other options otherwise he will not want us. Men until they have decided that you are the one for them can’t handle your undivided romantic attention.
If you focus all your attention on them before they have decided that they want to be with you exclusively, your energy works in a way that it pushes them away, they are not that comfortable receiving that attention until they have decided that you are some one they would like to spend a considerable amount of time with.
Women can be guilty of acting a little weirdly once they give their attention to a man if he hasn’t whole-heartedly committed to them. They start to make it all about him, what’s his schedule, what is his likes, how can they hang out with his friends and we never really invite him on our journey.
There is no best way to connect with some one, however a great profile for on line dating, with well thought out good pictures is a good start. Women can meet a man anywhere, on line dating is one avenue to explore yourself romantically, and set firm boundaries on how you take care of your self and how much fun you have with men in general. It’s important to come from a place of wanting to have more fun than you have ever had before.
Jenn co-hosts a podcast called Single Smart Female, where they take questions from single females around the world about dating. The podcast attempts to shake up the statues quo for women and dating and bring something real and fun to it.
Whilst Jenn only works with women her tips for the male listeners of Breakup Recovery Podcast would be: Men can be very confused then it comes to how to treat women at times because different women want to be treated in different ways. But if men continue to be willing to ask the questions and keep that open dialogue because women change their minds and evolve.
Jenn has a special offer for the listeners of Breakup Recovery Podcast and if you go to this link: www.jennburton.com/breakuprecovery you will receive a free class on dating boundaries that makes you irresistible and unforgettable.