There can be a number of emotions that are stopping you from moving on after your breakup, separation or divorce. In this episode I am going to explore two reasons why you are not finding happiness in your life. I am going to be talking about the impact that grief and self-sabotage can have on your emotions and why not dealing with these two things can hold you back from moving forward and finding happiness again.
Grief is an emotion that is not only associated with a relationship breakup up, but with any major loss that occurs in your life, some one or some thing that you care for, a death of a loved one, loss of a pet, the loss of a job or a loss of important possessions, and what I will be talking about in this episode, a loss of a relationship and a way of life.
When we lose someone, it can take time to adjust and learn to live life without that person. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve and each person will find a different way to deal with and work through his or her own grief. The time frame in which you will work through your grief will differ depending on so many situations.
So what I am trying to say here is that every body is different and what works for one person may not necessarily work for you, the time it takes will vary so don’t compare yourself with some one else as their circumstances, situation and so many other variables makes it very difficult to compare
It is important to express how you are feeling to a trusted friend or family member or professional rather than bottling them up inside. You never know when someone else’s experience or perspective can give you information that you need and allows you to ease your burden by letting some one else help carry it.
It takes time to adjust to your new way of life; there is no right or wrong time frame in which you should be over your breakup. Take one step at a time one day at a time and know that you can get through this even though there are times that you think you cant.
It can be so easy to start and feel like you are finally moving forward in your life, then all of a sudden and out of the blue you feel that you are taking 2 steps backwards and the thought of moving forward is way beyond your grasp.
You might ask yourself are you self-sabotaging your progress, your happiness. No one wants to think that they are actually self-sabotaging their own happiness. Some of the questions you could ask yourself in order to work out if you are in fact self-sabotaging your happiness would be.
What are you continuing to still do that is holding you back from finding inner peace and happiness? What is holding you back from achieving your goals? Are you content in living in fear and misery? Are you comfortable in your thoughts? Do you fear the unknown that is why you are living in the past?
Fear and dread and anxiety can paralyse you. It can stop you from moving forward, from looking to the future with hope and confidence. Do you have some counter productive habits that are keeping you in the doom and gloom after your breakup?
So I want you to take a moment to listen to your self-talk. What are you saying to your self? Lets just focus on your breakup for the moment here. Are you telling yourself that you have the worst life, that your ex has done so much wrong to you; they have caused you all this hurt and anguish.
Or are you been mean to yourself. Are you saying things that only a bully would say? Are you telling yourself that you are worthless, that you are stupid for been in a relationship with that person in the first place? Are you constantly berating yourself? Are you telling yourself that you will never find happiness again? It is so important to be aware of your thoughts and behaviours.
I would like you to focus on solutions and take some time of self-reflection, take some time to work through what you want from your life, what activities will make you happy, what steps you need to take in order for happiness to return. I would like you to make peace with your pain after your breakup.
Robert Kandell is a successful writer, teacher, podcast host and coach. He has helped people build successful and honest relationships through workshops, lectures and live events. Robert understands the challenges that arise when breakups happen and he shares his own breakup stories and the steps he undertook to get back on track.
One of the key strategies that Robert did following his breakup was to learn to be by himself. He started a four-month celibacy, where he did not look for another relationship, rather he looked within and found that he was always looking for validation from his partners. He needed to be right, he needed to know that he was a good man and he was attractive.
With this information Robert started to look for ways to build up his own self-esteem. He had heard a saying that resonated with him that self-esteem is built upon estimable acts. So Robert learned to do things that made him feel good about himself, such as going to the gym and working with a personal trainer, he worked with a therapist and quite sugar.
Robert believes that most of us are taught to withhold the truth, to lie, to sooth other people’s egos. Often the truth is difficult to hear and say to another person, and if your relationship is built on lies and untruths then how can you have an honest and authentic relationship. Truth and open communication is the glue that holds a relationship together.
People hold back or hide some truths from their partner for fear and shame that they could loose their partner. This creates a false foundation because our partner doesn’t really know who we are. You walk around with disguises on rather then telling the truth. You assume their reaction and play out stories in your mind as to their reaction.
When coaching people Roberts tells his clients to tell their partner 100% authentic truth, and if that person chooses to leave them then they were not right for his client and tells them that they will find some one who is good for them. The basis for a successful relationship is telling the truth, being honest and feeling safe in telling that person everything about you. When you do this Its like a weight has been lifted of your shoulders and brings you closer to your partner rather than living in a mediocre relationship
You can find out more about Robert Kandell @ www.tufflove.live and on twitter @robertkandell and his podcast is Tuff Love.
Most people find the divorce process difficult at best, I was pleasantly surprised after having a conversation with Dave Jackson who has navigated the Divorce process not once but twice and found that he still had a positive outlook on life. For some the end of marriage brings doom and gloom, but Dave has been able to dust himself off, reflect on his actions, look at what he did, what he could have done and what he can do better in the future.
Dave talks about his first marriage and how the financial burden of trying to conceive and the pressure of not been able to have children resulted in them having to file for bankruptcy. Added to that his wife’s alcoholism and infidelity on her part, the relationship finally broke down and they decided to end their marriage. Dave moved in with his brother who helped him navigate some of the emotions that came with divorce as he too had had a similar breakup.
The second time around Dave did not listen to the red flags that continually raised their heads at the beginning of his relationship. He felt in order to fix his relationship he should get married, however after 6 months of marriage they were in counseling. Dave was continually been told he was abandoning her every time he did solo activities. His wife’s insecurities added to the breakdown of the marriage.
Neither would compromise nor understand each other’s needs and no one wanted to change. After 6 years of counseling Dave was tired and spent emotionally, they were making each other miserable. He believes you can be right or you can be married, so the marriage ended. Dave felt like a failure because he had gone through a divorce once before, he had invested in things like counseling, he had read books and attended retreats, but the marriage still ended.
Dave didn’t want to be that guy living alone with his cat, but he is. But on the other hand he can live the life that he wants to, he no longer dreads coming home to an argument, the stress has left his life and he has found peace and happiness. On reflection Dave has been able to see that he is attracted to people that need help, however if people don’t want to be helped or don’t want to change then this can lead to conflict and misunderstandings within relationships.
If you want to listen to any of Dave Jackson’s podcasts or connect with him you can do this @ http://powerofpodcasting.com
Chris is a relationship coach and in this episode we discuss how to Chris navigated his own breakup, how to sustain a successful relationship, the importance of knowing what we want and need in a partner, the significance of loving ourselves and how to achieving self love.
When Chris Armstrong went through his own breakup he let some time go by before he explored at the breakdown of his relationship. By taking this time he was able to look at it with a clear head. He filled his spare time with meaningful activities that he enjoyed doing. He talked to people that had a authentic interest and desire to understand how he was doing.
Understanding your non-negotiable traits that you need in a person is one of the keys to sustaining a successful relationship. So often people put their heart before their head or focus on finding someone that is the opposite to their ex-partner rather than looking for the qualities that are nonnegotiable like their personality, physical aspects and lifestyle traits.
Chris also explained how your self-confidence or lack there of has a huge impact on your relationships. If you are lacking self confidence, if you are second guessing yourself, having that double talk with yourself, how are you going to teach people how you should be treaded and often you will accept less than what you deserve. Confident people know what they need and know that their needs need to be met.
There are a number of behaviors to measures if you are a confident person. A confident person gets their self worth from the impact they have on others and the setting and achieving goals. A person that lacks self-confidence allows the judgments of others to weight heavily on himself or herself. They get their self worth from the validation of others or material things. If you are constantly putting yourself down, taking the blame when things go wrong and that is your default mode then you are lacking in self-confidence.
Chris shared some strategies you can put in place so you can feel more confident and love yourself more. One of them was to always look on the other side of the isle, no one is perfect and it is so easy to be critical of yourself and look for all your faults. Chris talked about the power of the incomplete partner and how the point of a good relationship is not for either partner to be perfect the idea is that if you have two incomplete people they can make a complete partnership, each person brings different things into the relationship.
A breakup often involves many changes; there can be a change in your living arrangements, your routines, your status, your wealth and for the children, all of which can be overwhelming. Change for most people can be difficult, and it can be especially challenging if you didn’t want the change in the first place. You can feel that you have lost control and the things that you would normally be able to handle with easy can suddenly feel demanding.
Gary believes that everybody has the power to handle the changes in their life after a breakup. Once you change your perspective and start to see the opportunities and the good things that are happening for you, once you start making decisions that need to be made you start to feel the control come back into your life. Gary’s first major decision was to move his ex-wife and children closer to him.
Men are wired differently to women look at breakups from a different perspective. While men often worry about the necessaries like putting a roof over their families heads, making sure they provide a lifestyle and make ends meet, women come from a more holistic approach.
One of the strategies Gary used to help him through his divorce was to focus on starting a new company, which he put his heart and soul into; it bought positive energy into his day. He was angry at his ex-wife for the breakup and could see this anger was affecting the children so he made a conscious decision to change the anger into love, and once he did this the children felt a lot better, his anger issue disappeared. People often don’t think that have the power to change their thought so they don’t try.
Gary wakes up every morning and wonders what wonderful thing is going to happen to him today and then spends the rest of the day looking for it to happen. Gratitude is underrated and the more you appreciate what is coming to you the more it comes into your life. If you ask for help people will give it to you and the help and support comes from family, friends and the people that you work with.
Garry’s book ‘Szen Zone: Reaching a State of Positive Change’ is a compilation of heart warming and inspirational short stories that celebrate the power in each of us to create positive change in our lives. The general overarching theme of the book is change and all of the aspects of it - creating, surviving, and managing change with the goal to recognize the power we have to create positive change in our lives and be what we want to be.